the life of jules...: June 2010

Posted on Sunday, June 27, 2010

R U I N

I will no doubt regret this post for its raw honesty.

But it has to be said.

I have to write to right.

I have to tell this story so i can make sense out of my senselessness.

There have been moments where I believe that I am a ruined woman.

Something happened to me a few years ago which i have never written about. I have kept it under lock and key. I rarely let it out to see the light of day. It is just too horrible, too painful and too soul stripping for words. Just when i think i am free from it, it rears it's ugly head and spits a forked tongue at me.

So here it is.

I fell out of love with a loved one about four and a half years ago. It was young love and it happens. I made the break and had solidarity in my decision. Months after the moving of states and splitting of ways, a few horrors came to light. It was infidelity at its worst. I discovered that he repeatedly cheated on me. Not only with tourists but with close 'friends'. The bulk of the town with two main streets knew. It was fucking humiliating. I had so much faith and trust in the world. I honestly believed that if you treated a person with respect, you would naturally get it back in return. I actually believed that.

In my mind, that is how the laws of the world were written.

I was wrong.

He told me i was crazy and that i was just being jealous.

I have never been a jealous person.

He told me she was just a girl who he drank with.

I always wondered why she never looked me in the eye.

He told me that his phone had no battery and that was why he had been out of touch and on a drunken drug binge for three days.

I believed him.

He looked me right in the eye and promised me that he would never do anything to hurt me. He said he would never lie to me.

Sometimes the person who loves you can also be the person to ruin you.

It was a battle to digest. The hardest thing being the brutal truth that the world operates differently to how i previously thought.

It was a devastation that i am still at times learning to deal with.

It ruined me as a young woman. It stole my confidence and dissolved my trust in people for far too long. I loved my romanticised view of the world, and having to re-evaluate under those circumstances was a bitter pill to swallow.

I felt inadequate. Ugly. Insignificant. Hollow. Lonely. Emptied right out. All i wanted was the comfort of darkness and a new postcode.

But i stuck it out for a few years in the town that ruined me.

I filled in the missing piece and found peace.

I was all too forgiving and handed out empathy for those involved.

I also went a year without sex or any kind of intimate contact. I just could not do it. I could not bare the thought of letting anyone in. I just wanted to be alone, and to sit in that stillness and be safe.

All i wanted was quietness.

So i took that one year off and got better.

And now here i sit and i watch myself create tornadoes with the one i currently love.

He tells me he would never lie to me.

He tells me he would never do anything to hurt me.

He tells me he loves me.

And yet i have heard these sworn words before.

And they spit in my face.

It rears its ugly head and whispers distrust in my ears.

I squirm under the weight and let myself get stripped back again. I don't care how much it weighs, i just want the truth.

He tells me he loves me.

It is a risk i am willing to take.