Posted on Saturday, October 22, 2011
I have totally blurred the line between gut feeling and paranoia. Not typically am I a paranoid person at all,I'm pretty tuned into other people and how and why they may feel the way they do. But lately, my lord, I'm completely off kilter.
The last 72 hours have been so bizarre. I have had ex lovers tell me things they never voiced once the entire time we shared a space together. Not about lost love or misplaced devotion, but things about my personality that they struggled with the whole time. Wow. Comfortably confronting, like when you look in the mirror and you notice for the first time that your reflection looks different to how you used to remember it. Yeah it's you, but something has changed. A slight point of difference has crept into your expression without you even realising. It's fine though, it's totally cool, I promise.
Hindsight is a bitch at the best of times. However, hearing hindsight spoken from another person's mouth about you or that shared pocket of time is unsettling to say the least. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, and I welcome the challenge, but to sit there and listen to someone list all the cracks that eventually sunk the boat is a spicy pill to swallow. It's difficult to be humble over an empty bottle of expensive champagne. There's nothing to be done though, as the past has passed and there's skeletons all over the floor between us and in a way I find this brutal honesty to be hilarious. Honesty is a dish best served cold, I swear. But it was nonetheless refreshing. It was nice to sit there as we threw arrows at each other from across the table. It felt ok to do that because the damage had already been done, months and months ago. What we were doing now was just kicking at the rubble - digging up old bones can be kind of cool, for a moment.
Now I am feeling reflective and I'm thinking about the conversation critically, trying to understand why all that was even said in the first place. But I think I'm done with trying to dissect it, because people say shit all the time, whether it's because it sounds poetic to reminisce, or whether it's because it has been eating at them this whole time... what was said was said and now it's out there, in the ether, looking for a place to land.
It's a pretty cool thing for two people who once shared all intimacy's, and who have since let it all go, to be able to catch up, hang out, and put a name to all the things that didn't quite work out as planned.
I'm liking being off kilter. I like knowing that I in fact, at times, know nothing. Sometimes my foresight is just an annoying pain in the ass that I wish I was born without. There isn't too much joy in being able to successfully predict how every situation will pan out. Fuck it, just see what unravels, let yourself be surprised.. maybe that gut feeling is just indigestion and you need to stop thinking so much and let it roll out.
I like being surprised. It keeps me on my toes. It keeps my ego in check by lighting up the darkest areas we choose to keep tucked away. No one likes to wear their pitfalls on their sleeve, especially when you think you know most things, especially people, man I know people.
Well it's no shocker but it turns out that the only person I really know is myself. I know that when you love someone, regardless of how intensely or for what length of time, you have to hand your trust over to that person whether you like it or not. You have to get thick skin and wear their honesty, no matter how ugly, like badge of honour on your chest, because it's all coming from a place that once held your love. Whether it worked out or not, whether you stayed together or not, you owe it to that person to be real and truthful. And it's cool because you're good, and I'm good, and it's been sweet seeing you again. Well wishes aside, this is just life.
I'm standing in front of the firing line and I'm loving the view. Here's to feeling off kilter.
Posted on Friday, October 21, 2011
Posted on Friday, October 14, 2011
- I have recently gone on an indefinite meat detox. Those who know me, know too well how much I love the animal kingdom and their tasty tasty loins. I think I've taken meat for granted and have decided to go without for a bit. I'm having soup dumpling night terrors though... oh how i miss those little sacks of meaty/brothy goodness.
- I have only now just discovered Arcade Fire. I can't get enough of 'modern man'. it hurts.
- i had a revelation last night that i am perhaps destined to live my life in the northern hemisphere. my reason for this is based mainly on 2 things: i have reverse sleeping patterns at the moment- i don't even consider sleep until about 1 or 2am, and I snooze my alarm in the morning at least 5 times like a crack fox. The second reason: America. Yep.
- I had a dream the other night that Chester (my dog) told me that he is Andre 3000. I totally believed him.
- My roomy Dom Dwyer recently helped me do up my bicycle, which is now summer ready and aching to be ridden on a daily basis.
- And summer is on my brain. Winter needs to end, Melbourne: STOP IT. It's half way through Spring and I'm still rocking 3 layers and sitting in front of heaters. I'm not even angry, I'm just disappointed.
- Been thinking lately about how I'm turning 27 soon. Wowee. When I think of that age, I get the same feeling as when 1999 rolled into 2000: a mythical number, laden with potential, a clean slate, not that my slate is in any way dirty, it just feels good to have the luxury of being able to start from the start. Pockets full of ideas and a drive to make something really fucking awesome.
- Which brings me to my next point. Have i told you that I am about to embark on a business extravaganza? It's true. Can't say too much at the moment, but let me just say this: I don't do things in halves... it is going to be the coolest of the cool.
- Been having these late night revelations (more so than usual), that life is supposed to be lived. There's a quote that comes to mind about life not being a spectator sport, which i get, but i see the need more so than ever to really fight for what i want out of it - for how i want to live, for what i want to put my name to... to seize, create, re-make - whatever the direction - i just want to look back at some stage and know without doubt that i had passion and conviction behind all my decisions.
- I still dislike Australian hip hop.
- I am still obsessed with Words with Friends.
- I say the word 'dubious' far too much.
- I miss Wategos.
- I vow to own a ping-pong table within the next 6 months
- The current moon phase is Waning Gibbous... 96% full. Look up sometime.
- The guy who makes the best coffee in Kensington doesn't even drink coffee. I love this.
- My fear of heights is growing exponentially with age, but I still find myself climbing up just to see the view.