Posted on Saturday, October 22, 2011
I have totally blurred the line between gut feeling and paranoia. Not typically am I a paranoid person at all,I'm pretty tuned into other people and how and why they may feel the way they do. But lately, my lord, I'm completely off kilter.
The last 72 hours have been so bizarre. I have had ex lovers tell me things they never voiced once the entire time we shared a space together. Not about lost love or misplaced devotion, but things about my personality that they struggled with the whole time. Wow. Comfortably confronting, like when you look in the mirror and you notice for the first time that your reflection looks different to how you used to remember it. Yeah it's you, but something has changed. A slight point of difference has crept into your expression without you even realising. It's fine though, it's totally cool, I promise.
Hindsight is a bitch at the best of times. However, hearing hindsight spoken from another person's mouth about you or that shared pocket of time is unsettling to say the least. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, and I welcome the challenge, but to sit there and listen to someone list all the cracks that eventually sunk the boat is a spicy pill to swallow. It's difficult to be humble over an empty bottle of expensive champagne. There's nothing to be done though, as the past has passed and there's skeletons all over the floor between us and in a way I find this brutal honesty to be hilarious. Honesty is a dish best served cold, I swear. But it was nonetheless refreshing. It was nice to sit there as we threw arrows at each other from across the table. It felt ok to do that because the damage had already been done, months and months ago. What we were doing now was just kicking at the rubble - digging up old bones can be kind of cool, for a moment.
Now I am feeling reflective and I'm thinking about the conversation critically, trying to understand why all that was even said in the first place. But I think I'm done with trying to dissect it, because people say shit all the time, whether it's because it sounds poetic to reminisce, or whether it's because it has been eating at them this whole time... what was said was said and now it's out there, in the ether, looking for a place to land.
It's a pretty cool thing for two people who once shared all intimacy's, and who have since let it all go, to be able to catch up, hang out, and put a name to all the things that didn't quite work out as planned.
I'm liking being off kilter. I like knowing that I in fact, at times, know nothing. Sometimes my foresight is just an annoying pain in the ass that I wish I was born without. There isn't too much joy in being able to successfully predict how every situation will pan out. Fuck it, just see what unravels, let yourself be surprised.. maybe that gut feeling is just indigestion and you need to stop thinking so much and let it roll out.
I like being surprised. It keeps me on my toes. It keeps my ego in check by lighting up the darkest areas we choose to keep tucked away. No one likes to wear their pitfalls on their sleeve, especially when you think you know most things, especially people, man I know people.
Well it's no shocker but it turns out that the only person I really know is myself. I know that when you love someone, regardless of how intensely or for what length of time, you have to hand your trust over to that person whether you like it or not. You have to get thick skin and wear their honesty, no matter how ugly, like badge of honour on your chest, because it's all coming from a place that once held your love. Whether it worked out or not, whether you stayed together or not, you owe it to that person to be real and truthful. And it's cool because you're good, and I'm good, and it's been sweet seeing you again. Well wishes aside, this is just life.
I'm standing in front of the firing line and I'm loving the view. Here's to feeling off kilter.